The Search Begins

After high school, I didn't have much of a plan in terms of a career. I just worked menial jobs, hung out with my friends, and saw my girlfriend on the weekend. Religion/spirituality was the last thing on my mind. I could never be swayed by any established religion because my mind was always asking "Why? By whose authority?" Besides, there were a bunch of different religions that seemed to work for different individuals so how could one be the definitive answer? My philosophy of the world was culled from the books I read, the rare philosophical discussion (usually with my friend, Otto), and my own experiences. I didn't have an answer. All I knew for sure was that I didn't know anything. This led me to conclude that no one else knows anything either. I'm not saying that people don't have knowledge, I'm just saying that no one is 100% "right" in their beliefs. There is no single, universal belief system that some people already possess and eventually the rest of the world will wake up to and fall in line with. I believed in all sorts of contradictory ideas like space aliens creating the human race and the notion that magic is an inherent human quality. This was useful because I could fluctuate between hard science and fantastic magic depending on some new knowledge or experience, or on just how I was feeling on a given day. Christians can do this with the "eye-for-an-eye" God of the Old Testament and the "turn-the-other-cheek" God of the New Testament depending on if they are the one who's angry or if they are giving advice to someone who's angry. After September 11, I was surprised at all the Christians screaming for blood under the "eye-for-an-eye" premise when Jesus would have offered his other cheek after being slapped. Marcion was right when he said the Christian scriptures should not include the Old Testament writings because Jesus had superseded the old Law. Too many contradictions in the current version allow people to pick and choose. One of the perks of being an atheist is that I can hate and wish death upon anyone I want without having the guilt of answering to some higher power. But I digress.

It was around this time that I felt compelled to identify and categorize the strange experiences in my life, which could no longer be ignored, without attributing them to God or the randomness of the universe. I took to describing this supernatural realm as "The Force." As I mentioned, I was obsessed with the original Star Wars and hung on every word of the wisdom of Obi-Wan Kenobi. This was before the transition to DVDs so I had to clock each scene with Obi-Wan in order to fast forward to the crucial parts without missing anything. ( A list of the times is still tucked into my old videocassette.) When Luke meets Obi-Wan and learns about his father, he is confronted with the strange concept of "The Force" and Obi-Wan offers an explanation that I found quite satisfying.

"The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together."
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Star Wars, 1977

Perfect. I do feel we have power. I do feel we are all connected. This strangeness I'm experiencing can finally be identified. We're all connected by "The Force."

And that was it. I didn't realize it then but it's clear now that this was when I started to really draw upon the pop culture of my youth to formulate a life philosophy and understanding of religion. I didn't go to church and I didn't need to. My answers were right in front of me in the music, movies, and literature I've loved since childhood. There must be some reason for such a strong attachment besides sentimental reasons. The next step, and the biggest, was learning to read and understand these things in a new light.